I had an extremely emotional week this week. I ate quite a bit of chocolate, watched an entire Netflix series, and hardly exercised. I also have multiple YouTube videos I could have easily finished if I had any desire to do so. I just didn't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure if I've been spending too much time alone, am missing having friends to visit with, or if all the work Andrew is doing on the van is taking a toll on me because I feel trapped in it. Regardless of the reasons, it was a tough week. Miss grumpy pants stuck around for multiple days in a row.
As I get older I'm slowly improving my skills of being kind to myself in my rough patches. I don't let nearly as much guilt take over my head-space as I used to in my lazy times. It's still a work in progress, but I'm happy to say I've improved by a few notches this past year since the head injury. The world is a tough place to live in right now, and it's OK not to feel peachy all the time even when I know I am blessed.
This week I was overly focused on how much further I have to go rather than how far I've come. One of my biggest self-love issues is being your classic over-achiever who's too hard on herself. I'm rarely content with where I'm at because my goals and expectations are quite high. After every world title in Martial arts, I immediately set my next goal. I never took the time to feel proud of what I achieved, and I only saw what I could have improved on. This works out in my favor in many ways as I've achieved quite a bit in my lifetime, but it's not healthy to rarely feel content with yourself or enjoy the process of learning.
I made a promise to myself with these travels and this blog that I would be OK with slow growth. I have so much to learn and I'm slightly ashamed of how far I have to go with my online marketing and growing my business. I'm new to all of this and I want my journey of learning to be documented so I can demonstrate to others that it's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm happy to say that for the most part, I've been keeping this promise to myself, but this week not so much. I am honoring my vulnerability by expressing these emotions with you all, and for that I am proud. Way to go Michelle! I will no longer hide my issues from the world in hopes that others will more freely express their issues as well. Being human is never easy.
1 year ago this week in May 2019 I was in Los Angeles with my good friend Colleen. (that trip is in a separate blog post for anyone who wants to go read it). I was still struggling with post-concussion issues, was 32 lbs overweight, 54 thousand dollars in debt, was on anti-depressants, and was attached to a job I no longer believed in. Today I'm happy to say that I am debt-free aside from my mortgage, am 15 Lbs overweight (down half), have been off of all medications for over 7 months, and I walked away from that job to begin a new venture. All great things compared to last year. So I had quite a bit of confusion this week with how sad I felt. I've come so far this past year. It felt like I didn't have the right to feel so sad.
I've decided that I don't need to make sense of it, being human doesn't always make sense. When emotions come up we need to honor them and feel them without guilt. I did my best to achieve this while eating ice cream and chocolate. I tell myself I'll make up for it by being extra healthy once I'm feeling better.
I'm feeling more optimistic today as we move into the end zone on having Patrick painted and ready for our adventures. I'm excited things are beginning to open up here in B.C. I'm pretty sure going out and doing something in public will snap me out of my funk. We will be staying in Oliver until next Friday, June 5th, when we will set off to begin exploring more parts of back roads in British Columbia. We will no longer be paying to park anywhere once Andrew has the van finished next week. Our goal will be to live on 1200$ a month beginning June 1. We have heat, ventilation, more battery power, a new fridge, and everything else we need to explore the country once the borders open up, I can't wait to hit the road. We have 1 more solar panel coming in next week and Andrew needs to polish and seal the new paint job on the van. Then we are fully ready to hit the road. So he tells me anyway, we will see if he sticks to it. He loves working on this van.
Here is a video of us entertaining ourselves off-grid a couple weeks back. Next week I should have a few entertaining ones for you guys next Sunday, as I have quite a bit of footage to sort through.
Thanks so much for your support and kind comments everyone! It is making our adventures more enjoyable to feel like we are sharing the experiences with all you wonderful people.